Hi, Mortgage Fans! I’ve been sworn to secrecy so please – to the 6,954 people this goes out to – please do not tell anyone I told you this because it can get me a heap load of trouble! Jeff Bezos built a time machine and invited me to take a ride with him. We went into the future – 30 years to be exact – to August 4, 2051 and I pulled this blog to share with you even though yes, I know, it will cause some weird butterfly effect. But you know what? I don’t care. I want you, my mortgage fans, to know what’s going on so you can prepare financially in any way for the future where there is some crazy, crazy stuff going on. Okay, here we go – enjoy this blog from the future, and again, please don’t tell anyone about this, and delete this email after reading.
Future Quote of the Day: “I’m single. I often think about my future wife and how lax she’s been about getting in touch with me.” – Ted Alexandro
Wuss’up This Week: Well, I never thought I’d see the day when my state sold out, but because Illinois is so broke they have sold the naming rights. Starting today Illinois will be called “Pfizer” and the license plates will read “Land of Viagra.” I’m thinking we should’ve formed a super-state like when New Mexico and Utah merged to call themselves New Nutah. Big news coming out tomorrow where a ruling is supposed to come down on if Brittany Spears’ dead father can still be the head of her conservatorship. On Friday the Fed will speak about if illegal aliens should go through the same kind of underwriting that the rest of us do. (*It’s actually funny that ‘illegal aliens’ now refers to aliens from the planets Gloopton and R95D. Back in the 1980s ‘illegal aliens’ meant people crossing into America illegally. Then of course that got switched to “illegal immigrants”, which then started a chain of political correctness as it was changed to “undocumented immigrants” which morphed a few years later to “undocumented outsider”, but that became offensive to people that like to be outside so that was changed in 2044 to “undocumented settler.” As you know it stayed that way until just last year when it hurt people’s self-esteem to be called ‘undocumented’ so now it’s just called American’ts.)
Interest Rate Update: It’s hard to believe rates are below 20% for first time in a long time. A 70 year fixed is at 19.5%, and One Day ARMs are at 8% – although be careful of this product as the rate can change daily, and can change twice during daylight savings time. Speaking of that don’t forget that Amazon now owns daylight savings and only Amazon Super Prime Members can go by the correct time, the rest of you will be required to be an hour behind. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, how I miss the low rates – it was just 30 years ago on August 4, 2021 you could find a 30 year fixed conforming rate (*that’s any loan at $548k or less) in the high-2s/low-3s, jumbo 30 year fixed (*over $548k) in the very low 3s. And ARMs back then were in the 2s! As usual rates back then depended on if it was a purchase or refinance, type of home, equity in the home, credit scores, and if you found people interesting.
Don’t Forget to Remember: Any purchase or refinance that closes with me I will waive $599 in closing costs! Grab yourself a cup of instant karma and pass this info onto any friends, robots (from C-Sector only), family, coworkers, or people that like historical photos that can use this gift. Speaking of gifts, the first 500 people to refer me a purchase will get their choice of an at-home do it yourself liposuction kit, or tickets to see the Rolling Stones this weekend on Los Angeles Island.
Future Quote of the Day 2: “I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.” – Steven Wright
Timeout for Trivia: (*editor’s note: I’m going to bring you the trivia from present day because the answer thirty years from now is Lady Gaga’s daughter – Lady Haha – a standup comedian who hasn’t been born yet). Congrats to those who last week guessed Lori Loughlin. Want to be entered into a drawing to win a Bigfoot Riding Loch Ness Monster T-shirt?Simply email me the answer to this week’s Who Am I? question. Good luck: “It’s my birthday today and I seem to be getting up there in age. An anagram for my name is ‘no linty blob throb’ – let’s dissect that for a minute. No one would call me a blob – I’ve never been overweight but I did play a jolly fat guy in a 2003 movie. And I don’t think I can be considered a heart throb, although I did marry (my 4th wife at the time) a beautiful actress whose dad – also an actor – had a funny cameo appearance as himself on a ’94 episode of Seinfeld that involved driving and George.”
